Partly distracted by the crystal embellishing project on my work table, I listened to Lizzy over a long distance call as she waxed strong in her reverberation on how some “matured” singles in her locale are carrying on lately. Worthy of note was the case of a lady almost closing in on 40 being chased by a guy in his 40s – both ‘singularly single’, never been married! To the average observer, from a percentile viewpoint, the chances of faffing in this particular scenario would have easily been capped at less than 10%, seeing both are of age. This was not so in this case. From information gathered, a ground rule of zero tolerance for faffing and time-wasting was established by the lady from the outset. However, the guy began drawing back near the completion of the chasing phase…the point where the lady began showing signs of acceptance and consent.
As someone who ponders a lot, I have come to realize that there is always more to what we see than its face value. For this reason, the curious cat in me never resists the urge to probe deeper. Coming off the telephone conversation, I began to process all that transpired, taking caution not to allow sentiments champion my analysis. A number of factors were put into consideration, ranging from observations, personal and impersonal experiences to logical assumptions and established facts. Here we go…
The relationship process is one I’d like to fit into that of a typical flowchart strictly for analytical purposes. There are different phases in this process and a variety of external and internal factors may and do contribute to the successful completion of one phase and the transition on to the next phase in the process. Relationship in itself is a very extensive subject but for the purpose of this post, I will focus on just a phase or two in the entire process.
It is impossible to talk about relationships and neglect the subject of maturity, therefore, may I digress and address that first.
Age is only but a number that offers a grand illusion of maturity to the unsuspecting. The higher the number, the more likely the susceptibility to this state of delusion. Contrary to the prevailing belief system, with age does not come maturity. Life has shown that men advanced in age can be left destitute of wisdom and sound counsel thus causing utter disbelief at certain attitudinal displays that emanate from them at certain times. Maturity is a conscious state of being. It is more of a decision than an acquisition through elongated existence on planet earth. Sadly, it is pretty easy to bask in the grandeur of this sad delusion.
With that said, relationships are not for babies! It is not uncommon to find a number of people in love with the idea of being in a relationship but clueless about the demands, sacrifices, self-control and bittersweet pressures it may and does exert on one. In reference to my simple flowchart above, a lot of people (both dudes and chics) get stuck in the chase loop. With no disrespect to the male gender, they constitute a higher percentage of the lot stuck in the chase loop purely because they do the chasing mostly. To chase is naturally expected of a man.
So, what’s “the chase loop”?
Have you ever wondered why the excitement is usually peak at the beginning of the relationship process – The chase! It is the adrenaline rush, a resultant effect of the chasing game, pumping through your system. Both the chaser and the ”chasee” experience this rush, though maybe to differing degrees. The truth is, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with experiencing the rush, however, where the problem lies is becoming a junkie! It is getting stuck on the buzz thus not seeking to bring a decent closure to the chase phase and go ahead to the next phase which requires a greater level of seriousness and a descent from cloud nine. Agreed, not all chases transition on to the next phase for reasons best known to the chaser and the “chasee” but I won’t be dwelling on that today.
The reality is that our performances in life are measured against age milestones. Unfortunately, our state and level of maturity are seldom considered when analyzing these. This means there are natural expectations of us at certain ages in life and if these expectations become unfulfilled at those age milestones, we risk being labelled. The tale of this 40-something year old chap is one I can relate to very well. More than likely, he is stuck in the chase loop; in love with the idea of being married but too strung up on the rush he gets whilst chasing and helpless to get out. This is where maturity comes into play.
This malady of immaturity in this regard is often responsible for the restlessness experienced. The inability to stay focused and give in to the attending demands that come with getting involved. The lack of discipline and self-control are also off-springs of it. The rush would naturally wear off but the question that begs to be asked is, “Are you ready to put down the chase tools and take on the next phase of seriousness?” Some women do get lost in the loop as well. They love to be chased constantly by someone, anyone…anybody. Attention and thrill seeking, ever ready to take, never willing to give. In some cases, they are the chasers!
A “chase-junkie” is not unlikely to be a multiple chaser, simultaneously pursuing two or more ladies or men as the case may be. Theirs may be likened to the dilemma of a kid with bulging eyes placed in a candy store. With people like these, it’s really not about completing the relationship flowchart rather, they remain in the loop where they get their constant fix. At the core of this, you’d find conceit and self-absorption; always about self and self-gratification, seldom considerate of the ripple effect of their recklessness on other involved parties. A very common modern-day habit for chase-junkies is getting strung up on dating sites. On there, they easily get cheap thrills and instant fixes with minimal effort.
The fear of the unknown also contributes to this “stuck in the chase loop” syndrome. Past experiences and unpleasant childhood memories are often beneath the fear of the unknown , leaving its victims absolutely petrified so much so that the only way of resolve is adopting “the chase loop” cycle as a coping mechanism. They are afraid of possible eventualities so rather than square shoulders with the real deal and take the risk to proceed into meaningful relationships, they choose to stay in the “safe zone”, faffing ! This ultimately earns them the title -” un-serious”. Unlucky for them, the Instantaneous Gratification Syndrome, the bane of our generation offers zero tolerance for such character defect.
Another common denominator with chase junkies is this: there is always this insatiable longing embedded in their subconscious, an illusion that drives them to believe it’s better and gainful for them to bypass a tangible cup of water in the desert as a result of their fixation on the mirage of a fountain ahead! Hmmm…Selah! This explains why everyone they date is never really good enough for them! Sadly, this fixating disposition almost by default beclouds their sense of judgement which climactically results in repugnant choices ever so often.
A chase-junkie may “succeed” in reaching the end of the relationship flowchart, that is, end up getting married either through coercion, hook or crook but because the root of the addiction hasn’t been dealt with, it is no surprise they still continue in the loop recklessly laying their marital relations on the altar of jeopardy. The chase-junkie traits without doubts masquerades certain dysfunctionalities, sometimes complex and deeper issues that has been overlooked and left unattended to for years.
Now, it is very likely some people out there may have contrasting opinions which is permissible and I have no qualms with that. Some may also have opinions that resonates with these. The bottom line is; these are my thoughts deduced from my observations over the years. Irrespective of what premise you opine on, I’d love to hear them cause we all learn everyday.
Please leave your thoughts below.
Cheers and lovely of you to pop in 🙂 !